Guilt and Sin

The first poem "Endless Nothing" is all about sin and how it consumes us. The second poem "Guilt" is about, if you couldn't guess, guilt. Both of these things destroy our relationship with God.

Sin is a turning away from God. It's like you're standing face-to-face with Him and do a 180. It destroys our relationship with God because you can't get closer to someone you're not facing.

Guilt is a little harder. Guilt is that feeling of sorrow and remorse we feel after doing something dumb and wrong. Everyone should feel remorse for their wrongs. But guilt takes it too far. Guilt says that you are not good enough and should have known better. Guilt is pride masked in remorse and self-destruction. If you believe that you are always not good enough you will never open yourself to the One Who can make you better and Who always thinks you are good enough.

I've been learning a lot about these recently. I have a guilt complex. I always think that I should be better than I am and that everything that goes wrong is my fault. I have a hard time believing I'm good enough. Of course I have someone in my life who knows exactly how to push my buttons and make me feel like crap (who doesn't?). Through a lot of recent coaching and guidance, I've started sticking up for myself and not taking the blame for things that aren't my responsibility. This has come out in a variety of ways- patience, screaming, impatience, crying.

My mom always helped me through these things, always was there to reassure me and to give me the strength to persevere. She passed aways this March. Things have been so much harder with her gone.

I've learned that I can't change my situation or the people around me. I can only be the best me I can be and that's all that's required of me. I have to accept that I cannot change those around me and just accept them for who they are, good and bad. Even if those people hurt me badly. I'm not going to let this person walk all over me, but I don't have to let her words and actions define and consume me. This is my step away from guilt. And I try to step away from sin everyday.

Here's a little prayer that has been helping me overcome the guilt in my life. It's called the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

Something a little different

So I thought I'd try something a little different this time. I'm going to post 2 poems- 1 that I wrote my senior year of high school and then 1 I wrote last week. My next post will be an exposition of them, but I'd really like your feedback.


"Endless Nothing" 12/22/02

Floating constantly
In an endless glow
Tunneling ahead
I see the light grow
Fighting it, I try
So hard to resist
Struggling for survival
I thrust my arm
I must find the light
I cannot let go
Only human,
My strength weakens
And I am consumed.
Instantly, nothingness
Fills me heart and soul
Take me back!
Find me again!
To no avail I scream
Muffled by the silence
My words don't speak
Tunneling ahead
The light still grows
Barely touching me
Piercing my heart
To win me again
But I can't help me now
For now I am nothing
Empty
I need set free


"Guilt" 6/6/08

Out of balance
Chaotic
The World can turn on a few simple words
Need to
be perfect
Everything in order
Everyone pleased

Sweat, dissatisfaction
Blamed
Self-made scapegoat to save the other
Need to
be perfect
Everything calm
Everyone happy

Self-denial and
Degradation
Doormat to collect the mud of hers
Need to
be perfect
Everything at peace
Everyone at rest

Need to
be perfect
Everyone satisfied
Feelings buried alive
Come like the living dead awake at night