Tonight I discovered what love is again.
I've been in Philadelphia spending the New Year with my family-- my mom's younger sister and family. My 13 year old cousin and I are very close; in a very real way she is the sister I always dreamed of. Tonight is my last night here as tomorrow the kids go back to school, my aunt goes back to work, and I fly home. K started trying to convince me to stay longer and when I said I couldn't, she made up ways that I would be forced to-- flight delays or cancellations, etc. We sat on her bed and she looked at me with her big, bright blue eyes. She melts my heart when I look into her eyes because she wears her love on her face, there is no way to miss it, and she loves me very dearly. We talked about how we will be able to spend much more time together after this summer because her family will be relocating to the west coast, as will I. She still tried to make me stay, and though not satisfied with waiting, she smiled and I knew that she understood.
K loves me so much she hates spending time apart from me, and vice versa, and cannot wait for the day when we do not have to be apart. But until that day, she is content to love me as fiercely as she can, no matter the distance. It's such a comforting thought to me when I worry about my dad and how hurt he feels when I mention moving away, especially now that Mommabear is no longer here. But K reminds me of Mommabear and something she said to me when I first started talking about moving away. Mommabear looked at me in the car that day and said, "Of course I want you to stay near me and get a job and raise a family, but more than that, I want you to be happy and to not miss any opportunities. We will always be a family no matter how far apart we are."
This is love-- so fierce that they want you to stay with them forever, but so encompassing that they let you go.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May this year be one of holding on, letting go, and loving fiercely.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, August 1, 2008
I am Lucky
After much clouds and rainfall today and the past few days, tonight was an exceptionally clear night. As I looked up at the stars (one of my favorite things to do) I was able to see the Milky Way. How lucky I am! It's not too often that I have a chance to see the Milky Way. My luck in this started me thinking about how lucky I really am.
My younger sister and I have always had a rather strained relationship, but my mom was always there to smooth things between us, be our buffer, and to help us both become better. Since my mom's passing, mine and my sister's relationship has eroded very quickly.
All I ever wanted was a sister. When I was tiny and my mom was pregnant, I told my parents that the baby would be a girl because all I wanted was a sister. I did in fact receive a sister, but one who has never shown me much more than disdain and whom I have always had to "compete" with, in some way or another. This is no sob story from me, I have my own faults that did not help better the situation, but it is a background. Recently, while dealing with the decomposing of this relationship, my aunt said to me, "She just doesn't want to be your sister. That's ok, you have to accept that for now." That just spoke volumes to my heart, but for a while now, I've been a little upset by this. All I wanted was a sister, it's not a huge request, and I get someone who could care less about me, what a bum deal!
Staring up at the Milky Way tonight reminded me of how lucky I am. My blood sister may not be interested in being my sister, but I have other people who are. I belong to an amazing women's group at my college and all of those women, both current sisters and graduated sisters, all love me like I am their blood sister. All of those women (total we have over 150, we have approximately 50 current sister) want to be my sister and strive to be the best sisters they can be. They challenge me and stretch me and call me on to be the best sister and woman that I can be. I may not have gotten the one sister I asked for, but I was given 50+ instead!
There are so many other things in my life that go very similarly. Instead of looking at how wrong everything in my life is or at what is lacking, I should start to see what I do have and how all my prayers have been answered, just not in the ways I was initially expecting. The stars are great, but getting the Milky Way tonight was unexpected and awesome. My sister is a great person, even though our relationship is beyond disappointing, but having 50+ is unexpected and more than I could ever have asked for.
My younger sister and I have always had a rather strained relationship, but my mom was always there to smooth things between us, be our buffer, and to help us both become better. Since my mom's passing, mine and my sister's relationship has eroded very quickly.
All I ever wanted was a sister. When I was tiny and my mom was pregnant, I told my parents that the baby would be a girl because all I wanted was a sister. I did in fact receive a sister, but one who has never shown me much more than disdain and whom I have always had to "compete" with, in some way or another. This is no sob story from me, I have my own faults that did not help better the situation, but it is a background. Recently, while dealing with the decomposing of this relationship, my aunt said to me, "She just doesn't want to be your sister. That's ok, you have to accept that for now." That just spoke volumes to my heart, but for a while now, I've been a little upset by this. All I wanted was a sister, it's not a huge request, and I get someone who could care less about me, what a bum deal!
Staring up at the Milky Way tonight reminded me of how lucky I am. My blood sister may not be interested in being my sister, but I have other people who are. I belong to an amazing women's group at my college and all of those women, both current sisters and graduated sisters, all love me like I am their blood sister. All of those women (total we have over 150, we have approximately 50 current sister) want to be my sister and strive to be the best sisters they can be. They challenge me and stretch me and call me on to be the best sister and woman that I can be. I may not have gotten the one sister I asked for, but I was given 50+ instead!
There are so many other things in my life that go very similarly. Instead of looking at how wrong everything in my life is or at what is lacking, I should start to see what I do have and how all my prayers have been answered, just not in the ways I was initially expecting. The stars are great, but getting the Milky Way tonight was unexpected and awesome. My sister is a great person, even though our relationship is beyond disappointing, but having 50+ is unexpected and more than I could ever have asked for.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
One of the funniest things I have read in a while
This article was posted on a blog I frequent every day, Creative Minority Report.
You can read it here
You can read it here
So my mom died this past March and I just have to say that I have been having the toughest time imaginable with it. She is my best friend, and she died suddenly, and my life is so completely different with her gone. It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced before.
Getting that call, going to my uncle's house and seeing the pained look in his eyes, the shock, my muscles just giving out. It was, perhaps, the worst day of my life. But after the initial shock wore off, something greater began to happen. As I called my friends to ask them to pray, all my heart really wanted to do was praise God for His goodness. I praised Him for the gift of my mom, for the time I was allowed to have with her, for His timing, and for the fact that someday I would praise Him with her.
I talked to her the morning that she died. We were talking about some situations in my life and she said, "You know, I've just been praying for you recently, that something great would just happen in your life. It's about time something did." And all I could respond with was, "You know mom, the greatest prayer is the prayer of a mother." Now she prays perfectly and worships perfectly and I know that I have the most amazing of intercessors beseeching the Father for me. God truly does have good timing.
I feel lonely a lot, and sometimes I feel pretty lost, but the one place I go and feel neither of those is mass. Most times I cry when I go to receive Communion, and yeah, it's partly because I miss her so much, but it's mostly for joy. Joy that I am about to be united with my God, the King of the Universe in an intimate way, and that, through my union with Him, I get to be closer to her than I ever have been, simply because she is up there, now united and one with Him.
In some ways, in her death, my mom dragged me with her, right to the foot of the cross, and there she handed me off to my Mother, Mary. Everyone seems to have "their Mary" the Mary they can relate to most or have greatest devotion to. While "my Mary" is Our Lady of Sorrows. She has been for quite some time without me realizing it (the parish my grandmother grew up in is Seven Dolors- Seven Sorrows, in reference to Mary). I finally realized that she wanted to be my Mama after a friend's wedding and since I've been trying to get to know her better and allow her to get to know me. She certainly has been carrying me these past few months. That's the power of a mother's prayer.
Getting that call, going to my uncle's house and seeing the pained look in his eyes, the shock, my muscles just giving out. It was, perhaps, the worst day of my life. But after the initial shock wore off, something greater began to happen. As I called my friends to ask them to pray, all my heart really wanted to do was praise God for His goodness. I praised Him for the gift of my mom, for the time I was allowed to have with her, for His timing, and for the fact that someday I would praise Him with her.
I talked to her the morning that she died. We were talking about some situations in my life and she said, "You know, I've just been praying for you recently, that something great would just happen in your life. It's about time something did." And all I could respond with was, "You know mom, the greatest prayer is the prayer of a mother." Now she prays perfectly and worships perfectly and I know that I have the most amazing of intercessors beseeching the Father for me. God truly does have good timing.
I feel lonely a lot, and sometimes I feel pretty lost, but the one place I go and feel neither of those is mass. Most times I cry when I go to receive Communion, and yeah, it's partly because I miss her so much, but it's mostly for joy. Joy that I am about to be united with my God, the King of the Universe in an intimate way, and that, through my union with Him, I get to be closer to her than I ever have been, simply because she is up there, now united and one with Him.
In some ways, in her death, my mom dragged me with her, right to the foot of the cross, and there she handed me off to my Mother, Mary. Everyone seems to have "their Mary" the Mary they can relate to most or have greatest devotion to. While "my Mary" is Our Lady of Sorrows. She has been for quite some time without me realizing it (the parish my grandmother grew up in is Seven Dolors- Seven Sorrows, in reference to Mary). I finally realized that she wanted to be my Mama after a friend's wedding and since I've been trying to get to know her better and allow her to get to know me. She certainly has been carrying me these past few months. That's the power of a mother's prayer.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Mary Had a Little Lamb, and He's Our Way to Go
I was reading the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4:4-42) the other day and the friendship Jesus extended to this woman struck me. How many times do we really consider Jesus our friend and consider all He's done for us? Sometimes, I do not always feel like I am friends with Jesus; I feel distant, separated, unknown. But as I continued to think about the friendship Jesus offers each of us and the friendship He was personally offering me, He helped me to see all that He has done for me and given to me, and I finally saw how much God loves me.
There are certain moments in life when we are struck with a lightning bolt of divine clarity. They are these moments when you know you could not possibly know or think or say or do whatever you have done on your own; you know these things must be from God. In the past five months, I have been extremely blessed with two of these moments where God has revealed the depth of my relationship with Him and His will for me. What the Lord has shown me is that I am to be a saint. Being a saint simply means being totally united to Christ. You do not have to be a religious brother or sister or even a priest. All you must do is so totally be one with the Lord that you are completely you in the most profound way and that there is no longer any difference between you and Jesus; you are one with Him. This sounds huge and impossible! The other day, the Gospel began with the disciples saying to Jesus "This is a hard teaching, who can accept it?" Jesus said to the disciples, and He says to us, you can accept this, you can follow Me. Even though we doubt and falter, Jesus still extends this invitation and His friendship to us.
Now, this is still not easy. We know the rest of the story, Jesus is crucified, and if we are to become one with Him, we must also be crucified. This means that this path to holiness is lined with suffering and hardship. My patroness, St. Therese of Lisiuex said "The way I am following brings me no consolation and yet it gives me all consolations, for it is Jesus who has chosen it and all I want is to please Him alone, yes, Him alone!" This also reminds me of what St. Paul said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Our flesh does not enjoy or rejoice in suffering and hardship, yet our spirits push forward because we know the only way to heaven is through total union with Christ. This is the path of Christ, the path to Calvary, and He has chosen each of us to walk it, to be united with Him. Therefore, this unconsoling path of suffering and sacrifice is our best and only consolation, for nothing pleases Him more than for each of us to be completely united with Him.
Another great saint and patroness of mine, St. Teresa Margaret of the Sacred Heart said, "Without complaint, everything shall I suffer, for in the love of God, nothing have I to fear." This is my motto in life. To suffer without complaint means for our hearts to be completely united to Christ's heart, as He did not once complain through all His beatings, persecutions, and crucifixion. In Christ's love we have nothing to fear, for in suffering with Him, we are one with Him, and there is no darkness in light. Jesus said to the Samaritan woman, "The water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life," and Jesus is the living water! Jesus is eternal life! In Him all darkness is conquered, eternal life is given, and there is nothing left to fear.
So the challenge is to accept Christ's invitation, to take Him up on His offer of friendship and eternal life. You do not have to say any formal prayers, just go to Him and talk to Him. Let Him know what is going on in your life and invite Him to be a part of it
There are certain moments in life when we are struck with a lightning bolt of divine clarity. They are these moments when you know you could not possibly know or think or say or do whatever you have done on your own; you know these things must be from God. In the past five months, I have been extremely blessed with two of these moments where God has revealed the depth of my relationship with Him and His will for me. What the Lord has shown me is that I am to be a saint. Being a saint simply means being totally united to Christ. You do not have to be a religious brother or sister or even a priest. All you must do is so totally be one with the Lord that you are completely you in the most profound way and that there is no longer any difference between you and Jesus; you are one with Him. This sounds huge and impossible! The other day, the Gospel began with the disciples saying to Jesus "This is a hard teaching, who can accept it?" Jesus said to the disciples, and He says to us, you can accept this, you can follow Me. Even though we doubt and falter, Jesus still extends this invitation and His friendship to us.
Now, this is still not easy. We know the rest of the story, Jesus is crucified, and if we are to become one with Him, we must also be crucified. This means that this path to holiness is lined with suffering and hardship. My patroness, St. Therese of Lisiuex said "The way I am following brings me no consolation and yet it gives me all consolations, for it is Jesus who has chosen it and all I want is to please Him alone, yes, Him alone!" This also reminds me of what St. Paul said, "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Our flesh does not enjoy or rejoice in suffering and hardship, yet our spirits push forward because we know the only way to heaven is through total union with Christ. This is the path of Christ, the path to Calvary, and He has chosen each of us to walk it, to be united with Him. Therefore, this unconsoling path of suffering and sacrifice is our best and only consolation, for nothing pleases Him more than for each of us to be completely united with Him.
Another great saint and patroness of mine, St. Teresa Margaret of the Sacred Heart said, "Without complaint, everything shall I suffer, for in the love of God, nothing have I to fear." This is my motto in life. To suffer without complaint means for our hearts to be completely united to Christ's heart, as He did not once complain through all His beatings, persecutions, and crucifixion. In Christ's love we have nothing to fear, for in suffering with Him, we are one with Him, and there is no darkness in light. Jesus said to the Samaritan woman, "The water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life," and Jesus is the living water! Jesus is eternal life! In Him all darkness is conquered, eternal life is given, and there is nothing left to fear.
So the challenge is to accept Christ's invitation, to take Him up on His offer of friendship and eternal life. You do not have to say any formal prayers, just go to Him and talk to Him. Let Him know what is going on in your life and invite Him to be a part of it
Friday, June 27, 2008
Part 4 of 4
"Death 4"
The death of Beloved
is like pre-transition to your own death
Die with her
or
Live Life newly, as ever-
knocking Death
never vanishes
but you Live more fully
I take the second part
The death of Beloved
is like pre-transition to your own death
Die with her
or
Live Life newly, as ever-
knocking Death
never vanishes
but you Live more fully
I take the second part
Part 3 of 4
"Death 3"
It's like flying far, far away
-The death of someone loved
estrangement
everything you could do Can't bring her back
Don't know what to do (because
Everything has changed)
your heart
tries to Beat
It's like flying far, far away
-The death of someone loved
estrangement
everything you could do Can't bring her back
Don't know what to do (because
Everything has changed)
your heart
tries to Beat
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