7 Quick Takes Friday 1/11/13

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This is my first ever 7 Quick Takes and the first time ever I am participating in a blog link-up! So exciting! I like this because it is giving me a solid reason and subject to blog about so that I can start blogging more regularly. Blogging more regularly was my "resolution" (I don't really make New Years resolutions) last year and I kinda bombed. Not so this year! 

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One of my first thoughts this morning was, "Is it time to potty train yet?" I found a onesie in a shopping bag that she had pooped through a few days ago which I had forgotten about. Crap. Literally. Nothing worse than dried baby poop. I'm starting to get really tired of cleaning baby poop off of clothes...and Ruby is only 3 months old! Sigh. Thank goodness she's cute.

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Speaking of cute...

I finally caught her smiling! Even though the picture is blurry. Also of note, she is stinkin' standing! 3 months old and standing unassisted. Can you spell trouble? I can...R-U-B-Y

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This week I've been applying for jobs that I can do from home so that I can continue to stay at home with Ruby. I actually love being a homemaker. So we'll see. I've applied to be an online tutor and to a number of freelance writing gigs. Here's hoping!

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In case you didn't know, I own a crafting business and mainly make jewelry and scarves (I also make baby blankets, beer coozies, and hats). If you'd like to check it out and maybe help me out, you can do so here. Ruby & Zoe-- where every handcrafted piece tells a unique story! You can also become a fan on facebook.

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We still have our Christmas decorations up. Partially because we didn't put them up (well, we had the Nativity scene up) until we came back from PA/OH on Dec. 26th but mostly because we like them, the Christmas season isn't over yet, and we like them :) Ruby loves looking at the Christmas tree; I swear she could stare at it for hours

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I joined a moms' group at my parish this week. I'm not sure exactly if I love it or not yet, but I think I'll keep going for a while. I sometimes have a hard time feeling like I fit in places, but this one more so because I'm the youngest in the group and I also have the youngest child. I feel like maybe I am in just a different place than the other moms. We shall see. I am going to go to their "Moms' Night Out" at the end of the month and that should be a great way to get to know everyone better.

Lenten Schizophrenia: My Lent as a 16 Year Old

Today I offer this recollection as a hopeful reminder that life gets better and that even when powerless in addiction, even when no one understands, God truly has the power to heal.

Sixteen, what a year-- Mommabear had cancer for the third time, I fell in love for the first time, I earned my coveted driver's license, I was confused about who I was and what that meant for my life, I received the Sacrament of Confirmation, I was completely addicted to masturbation and I found out that it is a mortal sin. There were many life-altering events that year, but nothing was more shattering than already struggling in the undercurrent of addiction and then being crushed by a tidal wave saying I was going to hell for something I no longer had any control over. I could not let that happen. I would not go to hell. So without any resources or support or know-how, I did the only thing I could think of: I gave up masturbation for Lent.

Previously my Lenten sacrifices consisted of giving up different candies or cracking my knuckles or other such things appropriate to younger ages, sacrifices that made 8 year old Theresa understand a little bit of Christ's sacrifice, that He willingly gave Himself up just as I was willingly giving up something I loved. But this Lent was different, this Lent I was not giving up something I loved but something I knew was holding me back from Love (and, coincidentally, love). This Lent I was scared, unsure, but determined. I also decided to begin reading the Bible from start to finish (and this has sparked my now typical Lenten routine-- give something up and replace it with something good).

This was all well and good until my parish priest said from the pulpit that we should be in Lent together as families, that all family members should share what they are giving up or doing for Lent to keep accountable or to choose something we could all do as a family. I almost broke out into a cold sweat in my pew. My parents knew of my addiction to masturbation as "my problem" or "the habit" and I was not in the habit of telling them about the depth of my problem. I wanted to keep this Lent under wraps. But while eating (wolfing down) my omelet and cheese danish with Meet the Press interrogating in the background, my mom looked at me and asked what I was doing for Lent. I scrambled and came up with giving up cracking my knuckles, swearing, and snacking between meals, to my mom's disappointed but consenting "okay". I was off the hook.

Until I went for a cookie a few hours later. Until I cracked my knuckles while helping prepare dinner. Until I cursed when I found more homework due the next day that I had forgotten about. Then I realized that this Lent was truly going to be different than any other Lent.

I quit my addiction cold turkey and was keeping it a secret and then, as a show for my mom, I was breaking the habit of cracking my knuckles, watching my mouth (which admittedly was a very good thing), and was skipping snacks while at home (what happened at school stayed at school). Truth be told, I remember next to nothing about those 40 days. All I remember is feeling stressed, pressured, and generally out of my mind. But whatever happened that Lent, I did not break, I did not fall, and I did not give up. I did not realize until that Lent that I could be strong.

I fell back into my addiction after that Lent but what I did gain was a thirst for truth, understanding, and healing. A thirst I have not lost today. A thirst that drives me closer to God every day. And I'm not afraid of my own weaknesses and limitations anymore because I am in love with a God who has none. When I was 16, I found that I was made for more than what I had been allowing myself to live in and I wanted more life. Holiness is pure, true life. That's what I wanted when I was 16 and that's what I want now that I'm 26. May this Lent purge us of whatever death we have been living in and open us to true life.

The Biggness of My Littleness

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in being a part of something bigger than myself that I forget to be just me. It is good to buy TOMS shoes (I own three pairs) and donate to and start charities. We are part of something bigger than our own here and now, but big, meaningful endeavors are not started by people who lose sight of who they are.

My tendency is to so impersonally be a part of an endeavor or charity that in my personal life I feel lost and without mission or purpose. This is not how I was created to feel! Every moment of my life is meant to be jam-packed with purpose, whether I'm writing a book, starting something big, writing an email to a friend who is struggling, or spending time with my friends and family.

Life is about the small, everyday things we do creating ripples that get bigger and bigger. Don't get lost in the impact of a tidal wave that makes the world better. Be the unique pebble you are and create your own ripples.

Every Flower Must Grow Through Dirt

I've always been entranced by stories of homeless people, especially young people, and people who come through such debilitating and gritty situations to find life and love and meaning. I devoured stories about life on the edge, punks, rebels, addicts. My life seemed so whitewashed and clean compared to theirs and so...boring. I wanted a life of excitement and the straight and narrow path didn't really seem to accomodate that. Why did I find beauty and excitement in these other lives and not in my own? Because there is beauty in grittiness.There is rawness and realness to a gritty life, a life on the edge. There is no room for maybe or maybe not, only do or don't, live or die. In a way, it is a very profound life. You must always be real and up-front, in touch with who you are, and because, most often, a gritty life is a life at rock bottom or close, you can be who you want to be. Being empty leaves you with space to fill up with and what you fill up with is your choice.

But what we know about a gritty life is that it doesn't normally end well. With that emptiness come the natural desire to be full and some people do not know how to fill themselves with good things. Addiction, over-dose, death, and suicide often ensue. This does not appeal to me.

I want a raw, real life full of adventure and excitement. I don't want to just explore a place, I want to play in it. But I don't want a whitewashed life, never experiencing any suffering. Why? Because out of our suffering emerges such beauty and virtue, resistance and perseverance--all of the things that can make us great.

And that's how I fell in love with Christ. That's when I discovered who I want to be and how I want to live my life. God, Who did not spare Himself any pain or suffering but Who also led an amazing life of joy, excitement, intimacy, and love.

There is realness in pain. When we have nothing left, there is no fear in showing who we are or where we are at. This is Christ's call to us everyday, to be who we are, who we are created to be. And above all else, I am His.

Part 4 of 4

"Death 4"

The death of Beloved
is like pre-transition to your own death
Die with her
or
Live Life newly, as ever-
knocking Death
never vanishes
but you Live more fully

I take the second part